Lost in my aloneness
It’s a whirlwind of silence
Filled with doubt
Emotions pulling me into a dungeon
Unseen Explosions bombard the psyche
Emptiness firing bullets into the heart
While I suffocate on lack of stimulation
Failed attempts circle around my neck like a boa constrictor
(C) Jack Roman
Things they are a changing
Energy is shifting
Dropping people and situations like bags of sand
Almost on an unconscious level
It’s like my spirit can no longer tolerate such things as lies and mistreatment
It’s moving so fast people and situations fall like rain from the sky
Fear & Concern collide
A deeper sense tells me all is as it should be
Yet still the ever present witness watches
Always asking questions
Making sure I set out on a proper path and not letting regressed emotions or my desire for revenge lead me astray
Sometimes it is difficult to discern
Webs are often layered
While anger reveals its motivating power
Too much anger burns the forest
Not enough and the forest is over run with weeds
Still I plead
Knowledge, wisdom and the ability to jump
(C) Jack Roman
My desire to create keeps my feet moving
When all I want is to lay down and die
Passion still leaks out
While being beaten with people’s lies
Time has given me some clarity
Also a deeper appreciation to share and be with others who enjoy and value my gifts
Those who can handle my mistakes and shortcomings
Precious are those moments
When the ship is aground from the outgoing tide
Nothing to do but to share a view and conversation with a friend
I miss those moments the most
(C) Jack Roman
When you come to realize your the best person to have your own back
There is a huge freedom that pours in with that awareness
Although that takes some time to set in
Right behind that sense of “I got this” is a bucket full of loneliness
There was once a thought of togetherness which turned to poison on the lips of maybe someday
So what do you grab for?
The glass of freedom with an after taste of loneliness?
Reach for a kiss to lift yourself up for a few brief moments before the poison kicks in
Lye in remorse and non action refusing to allow yourself to be infected again
I have tried all roads hundreds of times
Desiring a different outcome
Taking different side streets only to return to the same destination
I have laid motionless at the bottom of the ocean
Not wanting to walk the paths I have seen before
Age as me wondering that perhaps art is the best I have to offer
Some how the missing fields of connection continue to fuel a creative engine
In my sorrow I type these words
In hopes of at the very least touching your spirit
Maybe my magic is in a realm I cannot touch
Maybe in my unrest I can inspire others for a brief moment as I have been with those before me
(C) Jack Roman
Closeness is a sweetness not often tasted
Moments not often experienced
Emotions not often felt
Where is the sweet smell of spring
Where is magic & pixie dust
(c) Jack Roman
Haunted by Loves Lost Kiss
A vision never materialized
Once it used to lurk in the Shadows
Now it’s like a UFO sighting
Yea maybe they exist, but I have never seen one
A glass with just a sip of wine
Enough for a taste
Enough to show you what might have been
From where I don’t know
Catching its scent trailing on the autumn breeze
Just long enough to remember a thought I once had
(C) Jack Roman
I want a quiet moment
To sit and look at the stars
Sound of the water hitting the rocks
It’s the space between words and silence that’s my favorite
(C) Jack Roman
Camaraderie is a treasure I often seek
I love the experience of working together
Building something bigger then me
It’s an allusive Gem not often found
In a world full of Me’s the We’s are hard to find
Or is it some disillusionment of getting older
All too often I have experienced a stealing of this beautiful gift
Perhaps we are all granted fleeting moments of it
When I became an adult I came to release how sacred the Brotherhood is
Unfortunately we all don’t play by the same rules which is the Downfall of man
Our only saving grace is a willingness to seek within
And a desire to communicate
(C) Jack Roman
Somewhere out there is a fuse to my engine
Not sure if it went missing or was just never there
Creative energy and art fuel my tank
When my tank runs low that’s when I need that missing fuse
To connect with others
Exchanging dreams, fears and desires
My car runs great on the gas tank
I have no battery backup
(C) Jack Roman
Why I Create art
Maybe every time I take a picture I plead for life
Every time I create I celebrate my breath
Every new idea reminds me of the beating heart in my chest
Giving me a chance to share in this moment
Speeding thru space on a rock
Pausing to capture the wonders
Even the tragedy and sorrow of these fleeting moments
Is the closest I can come to reaching out and holding your hand
Slowing down time to feel the heart beats around me
Dropping to my knees in wonder and awe
Sometimes I create cuz it’s the only way to stand up again
(C) Jack Roman
I used to believe there was more magic in my world I used to be more intrigued Time has taught me it’s safer to not want It’s better to not expect anything from anyone I also allowed a huge part of my passion to be stolen in the night My Excitement My creative vibrant self always thinking of new ideas, new images, new ways to create Those Rockets hit walls more times then I have numbers for Over time I grew tired of the rage of having my cookie stolen in the night Screamed so much till I questioned the reason for screaming any longer Here I sit Jack in his box Wondering Was the idea lost? Did it ever really exists? Or was it just part of my imagination never materialized Excitement, Hope & Expectation have been the Devil to push me off the cliff into the abyss of hopelessness If all your life this path has followed true How long before you no longer journey? Where do you go when you realize magic was stolen? You can’t trust excitement, you already know that Devil Try to self Heal? Healing leads to hope. Hope leads to the cliff of despair Make peace with my aloneness for the 100th time? Wonder is there some rock I failed to over turn? Maybe some seeds I forgot to plant Only the germination feels past my life span Following my own thoughts still leads me astray Yet I wonder
(C) Jack Roman
I love being creative and making things.
With photography I am able to be in my creative energy and my passion while being around others. Plus I enjoy the challenges of searching and creating or capturing a great shot.
With working on sculptures / art projects or building something with my hands I love the tranquilly it brings. A sense of well being and peace. Also at times a place to put troubling energy. Of course that depends certain projects I can’t do if my frame of mind is not right. I have tried and failed often so I have learned to not push those.
It is my hope and desire to continue to grow as an artist and photographer connecting with those who enjoy and appreciate what I do.
It’s a natural fusion that takes place between my spirit, who I am and my passion for the arts. At this point it’s been going on for so long I could not separate one from the other. It’s like trying to pull apart molecules and expect the same element.
It’s such a part of who I am there is no “it” and me. It’s just Me.
Art is the only prayer I have left. Conscious communication the only song left to sing.
(C) Jack Roman
Sitting in silence across from me I would rather be any where else but here Avoiding with TV Stuffing my feelings like a turkey on thanksgiving Or simply hardening myself on aloneness Not that I don’t enjoy me and love me In front of me sitting staring is the ugly me The me that has made mistakes The me that internalized other actions The me that looks at myself in the mirror only to see Quasimodo staring back I would rather “attempt” to make myself “better” with some “spiritual” practice and “move forward” “Learn from my mistakes” And try again for the 100,000 time Always failing Cuz I would rather move on But there is no one here but me Today Tomorrow Next week Next month Me I have tried every which way With a 98% failure rate Some days I get up and hope for that 2% Other days I know it’s better to not get up at all and don’t even try Only with no place else to go here I am I don’t want to accept my aloneness I’d rather have a drink and remember my humor I’m just not laughing at the moment I am here Looking for an exit As I do my best to pull out the chair and sit down I guess it’s just you and me kid I’d like the courage to offer to play ball But we are both burdened with weight For the moment that’s ok I’m just doing my best to just sit here not say anything or do anything Just being present For the moment that is good enough
(C) Jack Roman
My heart pumps but I am not always alive Art fuels my fire At night I often hear the echo in the chambers Going thru the motions Looking for the flames I wanna race Optimism and hope are cliffs I have crashed off of Wondering if there is some rock I have yet to overturn Or will these rocks eventually become another cliff
(C) Jack Roman
Falling thru the cracks Lost in plain site The Sun a distant memory Walls closing in Ghosts stealing my colored pencils All that is left is a box of grey Missing my spark Fire left on the back side of agreements never delivered On the floor Tiny pieces of two broken pencils Red & Blue Reminding me of left over flames that once burned bright And an ocean that whispered her calming beauty into my ear
(C) Jack Roman
I create art to momentarily take away the pain Every picture taken Every poem written A moment of pause A temporary escape or temporarily remembering The passion that lays within A Blazing Fire Lava burning a path down the mountain side Destroying or creating Befriended Art To replace a hug
(C) Jack Roman
Sitting in the dark Wondering of the engine inside Cylinders posed to strike While electrical cuts in & out Inspiration fades as quickly as it shows up Attempting to pour music into the gas tank Meditating Trying to seek out the short circuits Hearing the engine rev is music to my soul Wire gets cut by life and the motor shuts off It’s like cutting a birds wings I roll around on the floor in agony Looking at a vision that once was Till I can once again push myself up And sit in the Dark
(C) Jack Roman
Tender moments seem to come too infrequently Gaps between human contact expanding Memories fade Pain subsides Senses dull The ache dissipates into the huge void of space Till nothingness subdues passion Anger takes a back seat to disinterest Tid bits of wisdom sneak in between the cracks of silence A Jack in my Box I wonder Drinking helps me to continue to entertain myself A Spiritual joker to create a brief moment of a smile
(C) Jack Roman
My love for photography and the creative process as always brought me peace and kept me going. Sometimes that can sway like a tree branch in the wind. People will steal what you do. Business people will promise you the golden calf to get you to do what They want. They end of the day the Artist will continue to creative and evolve. What drives an artist comes from within. Whether it’s a haunting past, or some inner drive and passion, his/her fire is eternal. Stealing someone’s else’s stuff is like stealing someone else’s tree branch on fire. Once the branch is consumed you will have to find another branch to steal. The artist will find paper, coal, gas or wood, they know how to ignite it. (C) Jack Roman
Thanks to the few who helped me continue to light fires. Also to all the trail blazers who came before me and inspired me with their own fire.
Living in short moments between the cameras shutter Brief moments of quiet before the shutter is released again A dark cavern Waiting for the next moment The next exposure Refueling in the dark quiet Click after click after click Soon the refueling station needs to be replenished Digging to find a deeper well A lake of calm I can take a drink from Sipping from a mug to remember The dreams The excitement The passion Digesting Or trying to Stomach Is turning with things swallowed as an adult Taking on what was not part of us Now shifting thru the dirt Having lived thru the pain and gained the wisdom Seeking to reclaim Reintroduce Mix old with the new Creating a new glass to sip from
(C) Jack Roman
“My camera all too often an interpretive box that allows me a glimpse into connecting with another Spirit. Even if only for a Split Second.”
Deep in the caverns Mystic Rhythms course thru my body Continuous Explosions of light ripping thru my spirit Fire and Water mix in a pit of chaos Buried in the vapors of emotions Sources of eternal passion and pain Pleasure and terror Isolated Claws used for climbing out, dig and rip flesh The empty chamber of the heart is used to bring life Passion is flowing river of lava Destroying and creating simultaneously A blade cutting the skin Cracking ribs to allow more space for the soul to radiate
(c) Jack Roman
Imagination swirling around clouds of doubt A pin cushion heart that feels Losing the battles Fighting an evil King who has jars of happiness locked away Escaping Floating down the river of conformity Alive But not living A crystal heart being hammered by demands The worlds sand dulling the shine A puppet growing tired of the puppeteer Yet no muscle mass to command movement Pushing a shark in a fish bowl Sleeping in a coffin Trying to accept death The light on the horizon always seems to stay on the horizon
(C) Jack Roman
The warmth and fire of the sun The cool mysticism of the moon They are of the same energy Yet “Night” & “Day” apart Complex roller coaster of galaxies riding along in my heart Striving to better Getting closer to perfection While imagination questions the process My favorite time of day is dusk To my right to sky is exploding with reds and oranges hues To my left quietly creeping in a blanket of mystery approaching A ball of fire to my right An ocean of darkness with a touch of royal to my left Above my head countless shades live Looking right to left It’s impressive to witness the sky’s ability to hold space for it all Imaginations fire driving to be set free Busting thru the clouds It’s blazing fury determined to reach out Licking the midnight blue The cool depth of perfectionism squeezing the fire while the sky erupts with sun beams defined by the dark Is it the madness of the darkness that makes us brilliant? Dusk is my favorite time Sometimes watching the smoothest transitions Pondering the ease in which it blends it all Sometimes witnessing violent explosions of contrast I close my eyes Feeling the Sun & Moon Dance in my Heart
(c) Jack Roman
My mind is full of streams of consciousness Rivers and streams Sometimes vast oceans Sometimes stagnant ponds Under the surface I find the most interesting ones Water rich in minerals and nutrients River beds untouched Flowing yet surface unbroken Mirror like glass Yearning for touch A finger slowly pushes in Moving past the surface tension As the hand sinks further in The water rejoices and dances around 5 fingers 10 gateways and a multitude of swirling dancing energy That’s just 1 hand What about 2 What about a whole body What about a city Our consciousness A complex urban jungle of thoughts feelings and desires How would it feel to submerge it Allowing the water to caress in combinations never thought of There are streams of consciousness with surfaces never breached Some as small as a capillary Some as large as a light trail of a nearby galaxy as it spirals into a black hole Some Itches have never been scratched Rooms inside my mind unvisited Some rich like the Taj Mahal Others abandon ghettos Each one containing their own unique beauty Each one harboring untold secrets Treasures are boundless Just not in plain sight Seeking sweetness on your lips Turning the crank Lowering the bucket deep into my well Take a sip of my essence
(C) Jack Roman
Imagination has been my best friend It’s kept me company Held my hand when I was afraid A shoulder to cry on Sitting in my creative box A vast array of colors to choose from A world of endless possibilities No matter how hard I try all the crayon colors seem unable to make it past the threshold Worlds collide Reality restrains sink its teeth in Gnawing at the heart Wings try to take flight Chains of doubt gnawing the imagination Cold history icing a warm heart Formalities casting an uptight shadow Like a straight jacket for the soul A drop of poison In the pond of the mind With no water to replenish the pond The small drip can effectually contaminate the well
(C) Jack Roman
That feeling of being known Not just a couple general characteristics But some of the nuances as well I am simple and yet in many ways not It takes time to learn each of our pathways and crevices Some tunnels run deep A complex network We can not begin to understand or remember 1/2 those routes with a simple hello That shit takes time Moments walking along together We begin to understand some of each other’s maps Not 2 dimensional A living breathing evolving 3D chart Not all walks take us down into the caverns Simple walks down trails filled with green grass and beautiful flowers We are complex ever growing and changing beings So time spent walking together smelling flowers Simultaneously hatchets cut crude courses in the jungle as we find and explore new inner sections of our beings Some among us never pick up a shovel or hatchet to dig deeper and explore the mines below Simple mother fuckers Just always walking along smelling flowers and at worst maybe enduring an occasional thunderstorm Now my judgements aside At times there is a beauty to such simplicity However the limitations of conversation and being witnessed are huge You can not talk about rubys or diamonds Those only exist deeper underground You could not share the loss of breath over tunnels collapsing It would be like if my being was a single galaxy and I tried to have a conversation with a piece of paper Maybe it’s a pretty unique hand made parchment and there can be an a brief moment of acknowledgment Although the drawback being, the Galaxy also wants to share and been seen Gravity Shooting comets Pulsars Conflicts of solar systems colliding There in lays a huge offset However once a certain level of awarness is reached understanding happens even if exact circumstances differ If your system had dual Suns and the gravity stretching, dynamicly pulling ur tides and emotions in different directions With my system not having dual Suns Yet I understand the effects of gravity on my tides in my systems So empathy is present Comparing my consciousness to a galaxy in no way makes me supreme There are more systems out there in unique combinations I have yet to even think of But the understanding is there However I do struggle Quantum mechanics for example Those little fuckers behave unlike all the others Still not 100% embodying my own influence over them So in any event I contuine to explore and develop my own personal map While seeking fellow Intergalactic Soul Pirate Explorers Something like Indiana Jones meets Journey to the Center of the Earth meets Deep Space 9 To participate and discuss our journeys To share our treasures While helping each of us to better understand our individual pitfalls
The Hope that things will get better Is the disappointment that makes it worse I can feel my greatness evaporating Leaving an empty vessel Barely a ghost in a shell Momentum as kept my limps moving Slowing down Ideas seem to be but a shadow of my former self Laying in a graveyard Feelings digging in Witnessing the beauty of the sky While death and decay seeps in Filling the void left by Hopes Broken Promise
(C) Jack Roman
There is an Un rest in my soul that no amount of creativity seems to quiet Its like a wind tunnel that never stops howling An empty chamber Sometimes its the Magic of the Flute Sometimes a Gun Shot hole in the Heart A 1,000 untold stories line its walls Like hundreds of different furry animals Each one hungry for its unique food Each one liking to be pet its own way A complex network of distinctive individual personalities somehow merging into my soul Caught between todays waves and the shores of yesterday A chimpanzee drinking a coconut down the coastline Crying Born with the Wisdom of Man With out the ability to Express It!
(c) Jack Roman
One of the most precious gifts life has to offer is being seen. Holding space for someone or having space held for you. To travel into areas of the soul not touched often. However in order to witness and hold space for someone that takes more then book smarts. It takes knowledge of self, more so then you like the color blue or pink. Wisdom is the difference that separates the stupidity of trying to force your opinion into someone else’s being. Strength in holding a mystical wall and being present to gods grace. The breaking down and rebuilding of another’s insides, or the revealing and unmasking of our beautiful imperfections. (C) Jack Roman
I am afraid of the vulnerability in my heart. The pit of despair Puzzle pieces that never seem to fit A depth of sensitivity Tennis balls being thrown into a wood chipper Gun shots thru the heart With out the mercy of death Walls protect and walls isolate Sometimes walls keep us sane I don’t have any answers, just more questions
(C) Jack Roman
There are many forms of loss Certainly losing blood or kin among the highest One must not underestimate the creeping and crippling losses that lay in the shadows Promises Friendships Words spoken and not meant These over time can wear away the strongest metals Like a drop of water constantly dripping Cutting in ways not noticed Until ones foundation is weakened Dying a death of a thousand cuts Each one insignificant No greater sorrow then the loss of magic in ones heart
(C) Jack Roman
Trying to build a home with an action Taking a picture Creating something artful Writing a poem Actions Trying to create paths For the Lava pouring out my chest Blood dripping down my cheeks Unrest inside seeking places and people to curl up with A home or homes There are many sub levels Few ears are keen to tune in Moisture builds A glistening tear filled with silence Empty swings A deserted tree house And a Lonely Dragon named Puff
(C) Jack Roman
I am irregularly shaped You wont find a template I’ll yell and howl at night just cuz I can Long Hair A breeze to caress it Untamed Fire with a Lazer core Rough around the Edges with Crystal Awareness Crazy with a Zen garden A Brute with a Stream of Elegance Castles with Pools of Pudding Meaning in a Pointless Forrest A Dandelion in a field Floating on a River of Lava In a Race Car driving thru Space While playing a melody on a flute Do you hear the Cars Engine? Do you hear the music? A Rare few see my Heart And know I am ME!
(c) Jack Roman
Pushing crumbs together A lame attempt to make a pie A couple of potential moments Placing a few feel good bricks together Creating a stair way out of a haunted pit I thought the ground was solid I thought the words were true Crumbling under the weight of my dreams & desires Cursing the Alluring Light A mirage in the Desert of darkness Choking on tears that never run Falling deeper into the pit Showered in a sea of broken bricks Empty promises I have built those stairs countless times before. Allow my vision to be blocked A coffin to rest in
(C) Jack Roman
At the end of the day what’s left A bottle of alcohol to squeeze a drop of hope In the morning a cup of coffee Maybe find some heart to get up Put one foot in front of the other Looking back across the sands Witnessing a long trail A single set of prints Designs drawn in the sand The setting sun creating a friend to speak with Darkness comes Squeeze the sweat from my shirt An ounce of water Another step towards emptiness (c) Jack Roman
Knocking on loves door Who is there to answer A phone ringing in the distance An un answered call Extending a hand for a handshake To be met by space Empty air A hand closes anticipating a meeting All that is left is a fist To beat the walls To shake at the heavens Waving hands in the air Attempting to feel space If I wave fast enough I can almost “feel” something If I try hard enough Won’t I be seen Won’t I be met Can space be hugged?
(C) Jack Roman
All the world is the stage Yet I often feel like a stage hand Sweeping the floors Setting lights & sound Making it pretty for someone else’s performance Standing side stage Watching the actors interact Listening to the crowds applause When the sun goes down the show is over I gently pull the curtains closed Admiring the beauty of a theater that doesn’t speak my language
(C) Jack Roman
There is a place in the stillness A quiet place where you can hear the heart This night it spoke about its pain Not an easy place to sit Its like meditating while a cobra sinks its fangs into your chest The snake whats to give you the gift of kundalini energy Heart contracting as its pierced Bringing your attention to poisons left before Like a 100 leeches blood letting the residue left behind Careless words and actions that stained the insides of your Cathedral The pipe organ playing a beautifully haunting tone While new improved murals are painted While the floors are swept and cleaned While the heart drips blood as it cries While the Spirit sings its songs A lone monk playing a flute on a mountain top You can hear a faint trail of music but can’t place where its coming from Of you pay attention the heart will leave a trail of bread crumbs Its up to you if you have the courage to follow the path Like a Deadly Sinband voyage, its not with out perils But a wounded Heart has gifts to give
(c) Jack Roman
I wish to kiss your lips To lick your soul Caressing your intellect with awareness Seeing and witnessing the full you It’s in the baring of the insides The soft unprotected parts where magic lays The opening of a flower holds such beauty The warm of your body nurtures my insides In the absence of touch In the space of wordless silence A cold breeze sets in Like weeds overrunning a lush garden
(C) Jack Roman
There is a space between Hello and I am fine large enough for a ship A cargo ship of unspoken-ness Too often there are too many small ports A whale seeking deeper water to swim freely Communication when not met with awareness is like playing tennis with one of those ball shooters You can hit the ball a 1,000 times but that machine can never respond Only spit another few 100 balls Life is boring with out dynamic range Great conversation is like watching champion ping pong players return each other’s volly Or the symphony that can be created from a call and response Big pipe organs dancing together The styles might be different But the range is similar Often we play different sports Self awareness gives us the ability to return the serve To engage in a full body conversation Not just touching finger tips But brushing your whole body against another I hear you I understand I can relate Your not alone
(C) Jack Roman
The spirit inside My emotions sweat out my pours Colors to be used as I attempt to paint my tapestry Anger, grief, joy, hopelessness, triumphs, bliss, sexuality, hurts, heartaches and heart breaks All come together Fueled by passion It’s the passion the helps drive when I have nothing left to give Going to the paint pallet and there is nothing there Empty Emotions stir in my belly like a boiling cauldron All of who I am including my fears and insecurities Along side my courage and strength Fire makes my body sweat a rainbow of colors Feelings pumping thru my veins Like fighter jets racing thru tunnels I take the brush and run it along my skin Caressing the cascading droplets of my soul My essence Using my hurts My depths My Animal Slowing letting the brush ever so slight kiss the canvas Allowing it to sing my song Like a needle slowly being lowered till it glides on the record The symphony starts Or perhaps it’s a sound of a lone woman Singing some bitter sweet melody in gibberish Not letting the words restrict her spirit Allowing her voice to dance it’s way around the world Hopefully touching a few souls along the way
(C) Jack Roman
Every night Death comes to Haunt me One day you will be mine he says The uncertainty of what is next scares me Am I doing all I can in the here and now I am putting up a fight, but I don’t know if it’s enough I race car pulling big blocks of cement Probably Saturn trying to rein in and focus my Aries nature I think Death is trying to be my friend I wish I had answers Feeling limited by my own nature or abilities Perhaps some short circuit that the mechanics in my mind are unable to fix in my unconscious Maybe that’s why the Buddhists say we reincarnate Personal progress is fucking slow Which brings up the question, would goals mean the same with out the struggle or time/dedication to achieve them? As an Aries I am used to fighting for what I want Fighting not necessarily in conflict More finding away against odds These days I grow weary of the fight to be honest No, I would never give up the Fire of my Aries way (How very Arian of me) Sometimes pausing and taking a breath is all the fight that is needed
(C) Jack Roman
I am an explosion waiting to happen Not one that will destroy a building More like in a race cars engine The explosions are needed to move forward All my pistons have gone thru the compression stage I feel the pressure Engine is all top dead center waiting for its spark to launch it down the track Inspiration and connection is like the wiring harness that provides the spark With out these even the fastest of race cars would have trouble moving Running on empty Looking to refuel Conversation that goes below the surface is one component that adds to my tank Allowing relaxed moments to let my silly self come out is another Of course Loving Energy is like High Octane making my engine purr Affection, cuddling, touch help make it shine Like a freshly polished coat of paint They aid in calming the insides, in feeding the soul Like an invisible radiating Star pulsating out thru the solar plexus A single touch or smile can open up internal pathways that are either restricted or blocked Lava looking for a channel Like Blood to a Vampires Lips The sweet taste of lifes energy The heart chamber is like a village When it coexists well with its neighbors the flow and passage in and out is smooth At times of strife New pathways can be built Or walls can come up Taking time to understand the language of the new foreigners Or decide to pack up and move the village Treat your Heart with as much care and respect as that of a Good Major to his beloved city It is as complex as any modern metropolis Yet delicate and soft as a flower Let your soul flow like rose petals floating down a river I have had lots of moments in my life where some event trigged the building of a dam With a far amount of work, awareness, processing and care slowing those flood gates were able to lifted little by little Allowing for a stream to once again flow There are areas where dams still exist Maybe even some that I don’t know about located in some valley yet to be discovered The body and unconscious mind are like exploring a planet that is still creating itself I pray that my journey thru this earth will be a prosperous one That my scouts won’t be killed by wild natives And I am given a chance to learn from my mistakes I wish not to ruin anyone else’s camp Only to add With Love & Creativity Jack
(c) Jack Roman
There are screams that exist in my wordless silence There are tears that are unseen There was a hand that was outreaching into a cold emptiness In the wake of a fire there are ashes Dreams that had no more wood to feed it Lacking fuel or oxygen a raging fire dwindles down to nothing more then ambers I listen to the silence ringing in my head Sometimes it can be healing Most of the time it’s over extended and is like clamps on the main arteries Sometimes it’s like swimming in a vast ocean, yet your the only living creature Other times a 10×10 cell with one dirty window to gaze out through There are brief moments when you can feel a slight breeze The wind kissing your lips or caressing your hair Usually it’s met with a tear running down my cheek Gazing up at the stars and the vastness of our universe Only to be rudely reminded This is a one man show With no one in attendance Maybe the first week you still give it your all By the end of the month your no longer going out on stage
(C) Jack Roman
As a creative spirit Music is my gospel It’s the sacred book I turn to The minister that preaches to my soul Encouraging my authentic self My individuality My church does not ask me to sit in a row Does not ask me kneel at the appropriate time Sweat is the sacrifice I leave on it’s alter Imagination indoctrinated me into its obscured religion Life has been a hard teacher on this path Breath and awareness are attributes acquired during these rites of passage Humbling myself before this cosmic temple While the sacred fire within demands truth Fear would have me crawl into a box Conforming to the masses “It’s easier” Whispers from a Devils tongue General consciousness are the straps keeping your wings from spreading Seek out those little Buddhas Those who can aid you journeying on your unique path If your path is lined with walls Befriend a jackhammer, or co create a ladder If your path is the ocean that lays before you Seek the harbors filled with others that might know of your route Maybe you seek lands undiscovered There might be a few Sinbads willing to accompany you on that voyage This journeys are lined with perils of the subconscious mind Aimed at shinning light at the hundreds of treasure chests you are dragging around Each one with a unique lock Your body placed the locks there So that you may gain the gifts inside when you are ready to pick them Wisdom often lays under the blanket of pain or discomfort The wealth does far out weighs the grief From a fellow traveler I know of these expeditions I offer my awareness in witnessing yours Sometimes one doesn’t have to be a sailor to be able to avoid a storm
(C) Jack Roman
Art and creativity feed me Like a starving child searching Creativity was the breast that fed me The smell of cut wood Pencil dust Metal shavings These are some of the items you would find in my nursing bottle Pages of poems forming wings to embrace me The act of creating has become an invisible friend Like some windup toy It ceases to interact unless you crank it
(c) Jack Roman
I sit in the stillness of silence I want to run I want answers to fill the unknown To ease the fear inside Trusting A road less traveled I often would rather spirit to the finish line to get the results of the race It’s like meditating in a pool of Dark Matter Speed reading the book Afraid it might be just like the last story My insides growl in protest It’s my story to write An artist wanting his mural to be great Right now it’s a blank white canvas Artists must dance with disappointments and bliss as they walk into the tapestry Each brush stroke a life that was lived A battle that was fought Sometimes won Sometimes lost Applaud the painter who continues to paint Applaud yourselves
(C) Jack Roman
Alone in the dark Sitting with myself Visions stirring in my mind Dreams colliding with past ghosts While construction on new roads continues Like trying to drive a race car thru the middle of a massive demolition derby All while the race track is still being built I stop the car to gaze at the chaos around me Part of My Aries nature so yearns to come in first To feel the thrill of tires heated and engines roaring But who’s race is this anyway Stepping out of the car Surrounded by madness Ghosts of the past smashing into cars driven by dreams of the future Racers speeding past me while I sit on the track What do I want? I want to come in first place Although first place is only good till the next race What do I really want? Taking a breath to realize the honesty of the moment I want to be loved Cared about Like the attention of being in first with a more lasting fulfilling experience Don’t get me wrong I love to race My insides are like a thoroughbred Stomping on the floor and chomping at the bit Anxious for the gates to open to be set free I want to race I want to be celebrated But I want your love more Sitting on the floor while this hybrid race thunders on around me I call the cars back into my being one by one Some tears fall with the realization of desiring applause A performer that focused on selling out the show Almost forgetting The love of the act that moved him in the first place The race was the illusion of the mind To keep my wheels spinning toward some goal that is always moving beyond my grasp It’s ok to allow for the tears to flow Pulling myself out of the race Allowing for the body to be floated with emotion Seeing the carrot for what it is Sure I am a race car deep inside But who said I have to color inside the lines Yearning sucks Being hurt sucks But are you chasing a carrot cuz you were told to? Because it distracts from some pain? Or are you creating your own version of the Silver Surfer Paving your track thru the Cosmos Your engine rumbling with love in all the chambers Spitting melodies out of the exhaust Leaving a trail of rainbow colored notes On a glistening Black, Purple and Red roller coaster roadway Saying I WAS HERE!
(C) Jack Roman
In the grey mists of the universe Lies death & birth Mysterious of our souls I forget to see the stars I keep tripping on Alice’s rabbit hole Like Sinbad taking some deadly voyage Getting turned to stone attempting to pick up the “wrong” treasure Or worst getting lost for years in illusions of the mind Space is vast beyond imagine Pathways in our mind leading into universes A hallway filled with doors as far as the eye can see A strange key Hundreds of locked doors The pathway fades away as you walk along Dark cosmos abyss If fear moves us along the blackness gains ground Like being followed by a black hole Or maybe it’s time approaching an end Fox holes are dug to keep one safe from mortar shells It is still a hole, and what is safe? I want to shake hands with death But I am weak, and can not Regrets and time lost keep me fearful I am miles away from my landing zone Sometimes I wonder if I even landed on the right planet So few speak my language How sweet the sound when one does A dessert worth sharing A treat for the soul A blanket for a weary traveler (C) Jack Roman
I live in a field of little hearts Most of which have little walls around them Walls placed there for protection Walls in most cases created from some wrong turn I made Opening in the wrong direction Not only guarding against hurt But unfortunately keeping hearts from linking and connecting with each other Channels connect as joy and pleasures are shared Feeding off of each experience creating larger chambers Greater flowing like highways being built Patterns seem to emerge creating new dead ends where another road is stopped and another wall is built An ocean filled with water balloons All part of the same mass but separated Movement but no flow Walking thru the field it’s hard to see the immensity of it All I see is the last stop point and the latest wall Longing to connect more experiences together To allow for chapters to keep the main characters Not turn into a book full of short stories
(C) Jack Roman
The journey to the center of my heart Begins with a sigh A tear A path leading in Like a surfer riding a wave You are alone on this particular ride If you are lucky you have friends and family that support you Like a coach bringing out the inner supper star Not some ego driven super star Like “yo yo check me out” Fucking noise I am talking about a pulsating radiant star Taking the journey within is like cleaning all the shit off the glass in light house Maintaining the oil in the lamp Fixing windows as life’s storms try to blow out your light Keeping the channel lit Guiding the hearts energy As if all the planets in our solar system where between us and the sun Sometimes pushing planets out of the way Sometimes waiting for those fat fuckers to move And once the path is clear again There is life on earth again And when you have taken the time to move those inner obstacles Letting your heart radiate Pulsating thru ur being Then we can start to live again
(C) Jack Roman
Traveling down the road of hope and healing Licking wounds Life seems to stab you in our weak spots The same spot we’ve been stabbed 100 times before It’s hard to concentrate The chest naturally recoils I want so badly to focus on the knife in my heart And the anger at those that put it there, knowingly or not Allow the anger to flow Do not hold on I too often want to hold on to the drowning man Like a Hawk falling from the sky If I can lift my head and raise my eyes to glance around There are those who could lend aid Like a film maker shooting live broadcast movie Do we cut to the scene where doctors are removing the knife One continue down a dark ally where foes desire to place more blades into sensitive places We are the film makers Not easy to write the script on the fly with wounds currently open and people inflicting them standing in front of you Growling at them Allow the anger to move thru and not stop and hold Seek out the road of hope and healing The White Wizard might be farther down the road then the Demon with the Chains But Who’s arms would you prefer to run to? Tuning in to the brief moments of hope Turning away from a long history of pain Scene A) shot and wounded on a cliff Scene B) in a green field being healed Your friends are the healers Meditation is the healer Dance is the healer Whatever in your life reminds you of who you are Those that can see your pain and hold space for you to travel thru the tunnel Those are the doctors I want Those are the people I want to dance with
(C) Jack Roman
Circling around the fire Attempting to welcome it in The cold around me slowing my pace Looking for wood to feed the fire Looking for company to feed my soul There are many ways to go hungry I have a thirst It’s not like easily quenched But when you taste it is like warm blanket on a cold day Or your favorite dessert on your birthday The excitement that comes the day before Christmas Society tells us as we get older there is not Santa Clause That Puff The Magic Dragon doesn’t exist To get on with our lives, perusing “worldly” things A job, a career, a family The pursuit should be in magic and fairies The myths tell us how elusive these things are and I couldn’t agree more I find myself berating my own actions in attempts to better myself in the future All the while my vision taking away from the forest Failing to see the sprites inviting me to dance The inner garden that was paved over The professional athlete more concerned with ratings Forgetting his love for the game Tilling the soil of my mind to allow space for seeds to grow Maybe create a forest of my own where fairies can play (C) Jack Roman
A Dragon starts to wake He wants to coil himself up my spine Thrust his wings out my back and set my chest on fire with his huge blazing heart Life, perceived situations, old patters slow progress or sometimes push it back Getting better at fine tuning my radio More and more dialing in stations like Love FM Connection FM Or my favorite Fuck Yea FM I seek to create better home pages for my life’s web browser Intimacy . com Joy . com I take a breath I see the hurt, I see the fear I take another breath Honoring them Giving them space to allow movement A changing of the Guard The Dragon feeds off of Lovingness I sit and meditate and pray That I might be able to feed this Majestic Beast To give wings shape and form That I may be able to take flight Grounded by a cage I didn’t invite I seek to remember a time before Opening to those who understand To share in our journey To take flight To sit Lending an ear to others who might struggle with taking flight Or even just manifesting wings We all journey together I wish for you prosperous travels Love Jack
(C) Jack Roman
There is a river that runs thru my soul A deep river of consciousness It’s surface appeals still Yet it is not When a rock is thrown it disrupts my being Ripples feels like waves in my body Stones feel like gun shots to the stillness Words can have the same effect Imagine the river was you Your body, your flesh A jagged rock being thrown not only disrupts the surface Like a bullet puncturing your skin But it continues to cut as it rips thru the water Breaking the serenity Like a hurricane to a zen sand garden Words are thrown like stones into the consciousness of our being Rocks accumulated at the bottom of the river bed forever changing the inner landscape Making the river a different river Can you still your waters after the rocks are thrown? Can you still your waters while the rocks are thrown? (C) Jack Roman
My body is tired but still a fire burns Passion fueled by desire Momentum slowed while rewiring old patterns Tears from the heart making the floor slippery Life’s obstacles causing us to fall Yet still a fire burns Looking to regain my rhythm Creating a deeper center Taking obstacles in stride (C) Jack Roman
Questing for a treasure that can not be held. Sweeter then any dessert This nectar can feed my soul Days, weeks, months, years A madman I have become Unsure where this journey is taking me Crystal clear desire The boat travels murky waters What little progress is slowed by the ghosts in the water or universal currents unseen I can see the riches in my minds eye I can tastes it’s beauty as I lick it off your flesh Passion rising has my teeth at your neck Sinking deeper and deeper as you fill my desire There is no map to locate this buried treasure You can not buy this diamond no matter how big the purse The precious gems I seek Is your Love Your affection Your attention The riches that come from shared intimacy Like a highway of gold coins being exchanged as communication leads to deeper understanding Deeper love A pirate on a quest with no map Committing my life and my crew To seek out a treasure I once dreamed of On an island long forgotten Opening up my chest to purge all that would tie my boat down Crying to lighten my load Setting sails to connect to your heart
(C) Jack Roman
The warmth of your embrace. The beauty in your smile. Your laugh, your smile, your touch Calm my insides Your desire to connect feeds me Your a Gorgeous lil creature A creative fairy dancing around my apt. Filling the air with ur Pixie dust Lightening up my space. Thank you for sharing yourself Your spirit Your body I love the dance of our bodies together. I enjoy the company of your presence. The warmth of your body and your smile. The curve of your ass as it fits into my crotch. My arms wrap around u pulling you close. You feel my excitement grow as your near. Hands seek to explore you. (C) Jack Roman
How can you express the tenderness of caring The beauty of loving someone It’s like a delicate piece of artwork Intricate Diverse There is something so amazing about calling someone special Being there Learning a persons rhythms What makes them unique Opening up Taking time to see the subtleties To witness growth To comfort during setbacks No greater beauty No greater joy No greater present to give Your caring (C) Jack Roman
Energy swirling around Attention Wanting Desire Playful and sensitive Masculine and honest Loving and caring Arms wide open Heart pounding Lungs gasping for affection The beast in me growling Fangs glistening A moment of affection given Dr Jekyll transforms back to Mr Hyde Giving a moment of peace Laying the beast down to rest Panting in gratitude (C) Jack Roman
Each connection we have is unique Like a one of piece of artwork We co-create with each other Sometimes making symphonies Sometimes making trash from which other art will be created from in the future Each person we let into “our space” is a gift that is given How are you treating your gifts? Like throw away party favors? Or are these treasure chests filled with riches and depth? Like a social intimacy pirate I seek to protect the art that is created between us Moments shared are like another island explored with a buried treasure of memories To be re-explored and added to as a connection grows (C) Jack Roman
Caressing your face with caring affection My hands in your hair Admiration spreads from my fingers Cascading Loving energy A shower of Tender Intimacy Gazing into your eyes I feel the Fire spiraling up from my root A deep rooted passion The fire that burns within is not some surface campfire Its a steady flowing Volcano Hot passion pouring out Seeking channels as it moves down the hillside (C) Jack Roman
Intimacy soothes the wounded heart Caressing it Communication nurturing and revitalizing it The mystic rhythms connecting us in this journey I dive into the deep end I seek Depth like a drug addict looking for fellow party goers Its like a warm blanket on a cold day Its helps tune my spiritual engine To drive my sports car thru the slalom course The beauty of communication is vital to life Without it is like paint with out a painter Colors are pretty on their own But Magic happens within the artists imagination and skilled technic We only get one shot to paint our life I make mistakes often Still adding colors Will you add to my tapestry? Talking to a kindred spirit is like creating a mural on the inside of the heart Or adding performers to this Creative Carnival Will your voice join my musical? Lets passionately weave our lines together Dancing while leaving trails of rainbow smoke behind (C) Jack Roman
There is a Lion in my chest Clawing at my insides to be released Intense and fierce Passionate and affectionate Loving and caring His energy is also relentless Opening up my solar plexus Seeking to share of his spirit He wants to give you attention Nurture our connection To journey into deeper levels Riding waves of intimacy Curling up with you into a ball of affection Purring from your touch His passion grows Energy’s spiraling together An embrace is shared Enter into his wild Kingdom Feast from the jungle of Love (C) Jack Roman
As the heart open it exposes itself Arms outstretched Chest expanding Holding space Nothing inside but a dream, a desire, a wish Things happen that try and push in on our space Hurts, broken promises Hopes yet come to pass. The hurts come in like a dagger to the chest Reaction causes a contraction Spirit and practice reopen the channels Allowing wind to blow thru the space Carrying messages of the heart Its like becoming a Buddhist Marital Art Warrior Focusing on what is not, or what is yet to be While breathing into the pain and allowing it to dissipate
Close my eyes A harsh statement No one around Will this ways be my world I wish it not so A single tear on my cheek Followed by others Pleading with my insides I don’t wish this to be my end of day Another day alone Another day with out the desired affection Another day without a loving word or moment shared Can this really be it Am I some how inadequate Or does my river have such depth Run such a twisted path Making it hard to find kin I believe them to exist Somewhere I desire to give and receive Love Collapsing over and over Picking myself off the floor Wondering if I will ever see the change I work to implement Sometimes I stay in the floor Not wanting to stand up Getting tired of falling down Wishing for some place to draw comfort Somebody who’s energy would join with my own That I might have outside inspiration Something other then my own strength aiding in my standing up again
My spirit is restless My energy calling out My body although tired wants more My spirit winding up Reaching out Seeking Calling Feeling An apprentice of life Practicing my wizard skills Sitting in silence I listen for the response The whispers on the wind Humbling myself to the powers around me Allowing the wind to hear me Feeling the breeze around me Being transparent My insides are blown out Riding the currents of the wind Seeking a home To lay To snuggle into a warm feeling An embrace I see you
It’s in the empty space of the flute that music is made. Holding space in my spirit. For dreams yet to come. Trying to tune my energy to make music of my passion and desire. The ghosts of my past keep trying to jump in. A full Orchestra playing songs of my past. Sitting on the floor in the middle of my haunted symphony with just my wooded flute. Trying to conduct the many ghosts of the past and quiet them down, drums, horns and strings. One by one their tempo and volume slowly fade as I continue to make peace with the devils in my past. The lights dim to a black out on my haunted orchestra. With a single spot light on me and my flute. Scared and alone, this song has never been created before. I play as if my life depends on it. In some ways it does.
Touching soft spots inside each other Communication is explored Feelings shared An opening? Could we be learning and growing? It touches my heart sharing such gifts I can still see my fears showing up sometimes I breathe into them, trying to trust more Trying to honor my words to you Feeling the care flow between us Some how my insides feel fed Given Nourishment I feel capable of more I hold you in a tender place deep inside
There is an energy in me that just won’t quit. It’s fiery and passionate. It’s soft and nurturing. A wide spectrum of colors spiraling up out of the ground. Shooting out to into the universe like some pulsar star. Love, grief, joy, bliss, anger, passion all combine to create a deeper more compassionate me. Experience and self exploration give me the ability to look you in the eye and be present. Slowly pealing back the veils and going closer to the heart. I live for that. It’s very much like eating a banana with the skin or pealing it back to enjoy the yummy insides. Depending on the person it could be a pineapple, or even a coconut. We all have some outer layers, some are harder and thinker. Some are so thin just like a strawberry there juice rests right on the surface. I love tasting such precious nectar and I am honored if you allow me to see and taste your insides.
Sitting in silence. I desire to have more on my team. To aid at moments when I feel I am losing. To rejoice in my victories. To share tales of woe. To be an ally against common foe. In breaking of unwanted patterns. In creating and manifesting our hearts desire. To bare witness to tears, joy, laughter and sorrow. Who will stand by your side? Who will watch your back? There is little meaning in a gaining a victory that is not shared. And lonely is a position to shed a tear in absence of a caring witness. Would you share in open honesty? Are you willing to look inside in dark corners as intimacy is explored? Can you allow yourself to be vulnerable and present in your emotions? Will you meet me 1/2 way? Join my team and enlist me in yours.
The quite moment of the night. When all is still. I hear the whispers. The doubts. The aloneness echoing off barren walls. Deafening me in its silence. Touching me in its lack of touch. Sapping my strength as my blood is drained from my body. Aloneness is a quite silent murder that can’t be seen or witnessed. It is often masked with a smile during the day. Only to be returned to at the end of the day. Like a trained torture victim. Going back into his cage.
I want to get up and spirit to some distant finish line. The knife in my heart and chains around my chest slow my pace to a jog. Energy screams to be set free. Fighting against restraints causing more injury. Like an animal in a cage I wait. Looking for an opening. Waiting to pounce. To let this energy fly Opening up the doors to the furnace Letting the Fire Burn. Sick of pulling punches. I am an Animal! You can see the Fangs in my crooked Smile. Don’t you fret you will be safe. Unless of course you find yourself on my menu tonight. 😉
The hearts sensitive yearnings and desires. Tender wishes carried on the back of a butterfly. A perilous journey for such a delicate creature. Prayers & Support give strength to fragile wings. While gusts of wind slow down progress Like a heart in an elaborate class jar during a storm Showcasing its beauty but offering little protection. Are our dreams carried on dusts of sand?
The moon whispers of the secrets of the night Illuminated once what was darkness in her eerie glow Outlining the shadows Our darker desires Our haunting past that still lingers The moon shows what the sun casts out. We are all safe basking in those majestic beams An unwritten promise But as the sun slowly descents The veil of night dances across the sky Giving permission to let go To embrace those desires To allow those lustful thoughts Nighttime also brings hauntings Unresolved past traumas As the clock gets closer to the witching hour Death seeps across the land calling those close to him to come back to the realm of spirit It’s a strange time The Shadow of the Night I am drawn to its mysteries I seek to understand what it teaches And not be afraid of the The Shadow of the Night!
Give & take Letting go when all I want is a hug Walking away when my insides want closeness Allowing for the rhythm of closeness to be present Sometimes moving together Sometimes moving apart Being mindful of the love inside Being aware when the hurt is present and watching the impulse to want to react Breathing and being mindful and responsible for my own being Paying attention to my words do they line up with my desire My Truth Am I clear Am I honoring myself, Am I honoring you My commitment is always to deepen myself and my understanding of me and you I dance towards you Taking your hand Will you dance with me? Will you journey with me to the outer realms of our inner universe?
The tenderness of being caressed The Beauty of an open hearted hug The simplicity of sharing company Yet how deeply profound such a simple pleasure can be Exchanging glaces Exchanging energy Dancing together in admiration What I would give to spend days on end cuddling with someone I love To feel your chest expand as you breath in To quietly lay together, appreciating the moment To “squeeze” the Hourglass so that time may stand still To soak up your presence To swim in a pool of affection Given & Received Somewhere deep inside my inner animal would Purr.
The quiet after Chaos can be unsettling The silence is some how stiller The longing some how greater Love is more expanded Hurt is more accessible Touch can be deeper Aloneness can be lonelier The Soul sings in Chaos The body lets go The mind disengages The Spirit posses And Magic Rises into the Dance
Rib cage is opened exposing the sensitive insides. The Tender Heart bleeds on the floor There is nothing to do Nothing to fix Just allowing for space The Heart Bleeds cuz it loves The Heart Bleeds cuz it cares Life essence dripping on the floor Nourishing the earth Like when the Heavens cry showering the earth with water for life to grow Arms outstretched, head tilted back I dance I dance with the Passion I dance with Love I dance with Emptiness Holding space for that which is yet to come I dance to Stay Alive
A Dragon tries to materialize inside my chest Its tail Spiraling down my body to my groin I Breathe in, he starts to materialize I sit in silence, he starts to take shape and form The fire in my belly pushes against the stillness Struggling to hold empty space The Dragon dematerialize into a ghostlike form I Breathe in again Keeping the ghost dragon with me Needing the energy of the pack to fully conjure this Majestic Beast Dancing with the Tribe feeds my soul Exchanging energy with others opens me up Allowing for more space, deeper breath and more energy to summon the Dragon’s Might He seeks to connect my primal sexual energy with the innermost chambers of my heart Bringing a lot of energy into sensitive places Blazing a trail for the Furious Fire to enter Tender Loving Space. Kundalini energy spiraling around my chest Finding ways deeper inside
Listening as my heart changes beats. Its rhythm altered. Blood cycles thru the chambers. Bringing the its message to the cells. The rhythm is some how richer. Deeper. Paying attention to the ripples in my blood stream. As you walk by I am more aware of your heart beat. I am listening to your rhythm. Will you join me and play a tune? Or will you stay and create symphonies?
Our Sun is the bringing of life. The God which we pray to. We revolve around its Fiery Mass offering our devotion in one way or another. It is the center of our existence and the reason we draw breath. But our God has a Master. A Darkness more powerful then the Light. This Overlords reach commands billions of Gods devotedness. It is in the Darkness that we are held together.
In the middle of the night my heart bleeds Blood pumping out continuously Not from the pain But the fear of wanting To desire is to welcome anxiety The heart bleeds in its chamber Pouring its love onto the cold concrete floor Sitting in his prison cell the musician plays for the village to hear Loving/Caressing each note as if his life depended on it His body is imprisoned while his art dances on the wind like feathers in a storm All around him is cold and hard yet he can caress your face ever so gently from over a mile away He cries as he plays He dances while he plays He smiles at the joy of creation He bangs defiantly as he plays Then he sits back down and plays in sorrow The artist was released after a few decades in his cell To this day you can sometimes find him playing in cold dark allys He contuines to wander and seek out places that remind him of home
The glory of the universe spiraling inside my chest While the Devils chains wrapped around my feet I look up to the heavens and feel my body aching to join in the cosmic fun While I feel the Fire at my feet yanking me down I have the wings of Angel but concrete boots keep me from taking flight Body & Soul being ripped apart on some spiritual rack in the sky My Spirit wants to Soar with my Brothers and Sisters But the Devil has his Hooks deep into my heart
The curtain raises in a show I was unaware of I played a lead role The curtain is a beautiful and ornately designed on the outside Behind the curtain is steel gate that raises in unison On the stage inside a glass jar is my heart I was touched for a few moments time around me stopped the world grayed out and fell away With out moving we walked thru a porthole onto some other plane It was like going from Black & White to seeing color for the first time I only meant to hug you Its like lighting a fuse thinking I was lighting a firecracker and what I ended up with was a full blown NYC 4th of july fire works show How did this happen? In those short moments layers were shed away leaving pure essence left In those moments I told you so much with out speaking In those moments I cried In those moments I saw an oasis A lush, exotic and rich oasis with the most intimate of treasures Treasures of the heart & soul It felt so good to lay my eyes upon such a sight Tears running down my cheek Having all of the infinite universe with in arms reach My body collapses Falling to my knees trying to comprehend the gift of this moment Watching as the Curtain in the theater raised only to see my heart Sitting on top a pedestal in a glass container One spot-light shining down on a blackened stage How beautiful you are How grateful I am that you walked down the rabbit hole with me That you opened yourself to me Speechless from the experience Walking home I feel the echo of that moment
I step out onto the Dance Floor Alone Like a fighter entering a ring I spare with unyielding patterns from my past Moving thru the dance floor I move thru time Facing myself over and over Relentless voices hit me over and over and over Gasping for air, stomach cramping, legs fatigued I STAND Jumping up & in down to the beat Arms raised defiantly in the Air Glazing around the room at my fellow explorers We dance to connect We dance to release We dance to reflect We dance to Explore
The rhythm slides its way in The beat activates my blood like some radio active chemical Increasing my heart rate Some internal tidal wave spiraling down into the lower levels of my being A stealthy thief unlocking gates to forgotten chambers A million rebels being absorbed thru the music Unbridled Energy builds from deep within Rage, Passion, Love, Grief Blowing apart system governors An upraising begins An internal rebellion Armies are banded together on the dance floor Bass notes send off Explosion after Explosion inside my heart Body kicked into OverDrive Primal Raw uncensored energy moving in tune to the beat That Beat that is Driving me beyond my conscious mind I dance for a moment in my freedom I dance embracing my connection As Hell is released in my body I reach for the Heavens
the sky rains daggers like the sting of sitting alone in in the midst of a sand storm naked in the dessert no where to run or hide sun scorching soft flesh Reaching for a class of water stumbling down Cradled by a scorching pit of needles Allergic to the sun and sun is all I get Alone for so long my Shadow now Speaks back I have conversations with Gollum about a precious that never was A Dark hooded figure approaches I contemplate inviting him in In a void even his company might be welcomed
The Blood in my heart pours out down a mystical river Feeding the landscape Bloodletting my soul The Moon feeds me and sustains me But I need your touch to revive Your attention The unseen energy passed thru your eyes into the depths of my soul Brings my systems back online Something in the night sky Its like the energies from distant pulsars recharging me.
The is a Fire Burning Deep inside. Furnaces yet to be used. Untapped Raw Primal Energy The Dragon raises his head after Years of Slumber Hungry for flesh A race engine kept under a tarp in the back of the garage Fired up and purring at 5,000 rpm Taking flight this Angel as a Sword Pressuring building as internal Volcanos are ready to erupt Red Hot Lava explodes Rivers of Burning Desire A field of wells as far as the eye can see Deep cool crisp water Drinking from the still water of consciousness Waves of Fire and Water Color Clash and Dance Hots, Colds, Oranges, Reds, Blues Purples A tornado of spiraling colors Flying about painting a picture of my life
To be touched so deeply So profoundly To be seen & witnessed To be caressed & given affection It was like giving a man dying go thirst a class of water Your open willingness fed my soul Your reaching out meant more then I can describe My patterns or fear have me looking back at the dessert from which I came A desolate isolated land with no nourishment for a Creative, Dynamic, Deep Firery Soul It’s like giving a Man a taste of freedom and putting him back in a cage If you only knew the cage the pain would not be as great Still the pain in my heart and ache in my chest dance in my tears It feels as if someone place a single candle in the middle of a massive hall There is so much around me but I was unable to explore due to the darkness How many times can you thank someone for a glass of water Most would never think twice about it Unless you were dying of thirst To that Man it means the world Like a caveman being given the gift of fire for the first time I awe and wonder while I notice my fear of my harsh pattern Having my gift stolen or taken away Unable to move as you hear the chains coming down the hallway I tasted you and I want more I felt you, not with my hands or body I cherish what you gave me I light my own candle in the dark and pray that I will be joined by others
On a crisp cool winter evening I saw the stars winking at me. Looking up at the heavens. I ask for understanding. For patients. For connection. For Fun. For Creativity. I close my eyes and reach into the cosmos within. I make way way thru the labyrinth of my existence. Bumping into walls. Falling down holes. While avoiding the falling rocks. So many pitfalls. So many internal issues. Attempting to dance with the Stars While I shovel the shit from my former selfs Laying on the floor after almost tripping over a rock. Gazing down the road and the cloudy sky above. You reached out and grabbed my hand. I felt your presence with me and appreciated your attention. Maybe could some how there be growth?
My hand is outstretched Reaching towards you will you take my hand Will you extend yourself Will you meet me halfway I would caress your face with the softness of a shower of cascading rose petals I would squeeze you tight like a bear holding you close I can be playful and left you up to spin you around Or I can be mischievous and pin you down Mercury’s presence in my chart The ruler of communication needs to talk, share and express I have the Wings of an Angel with the tail of a Devil My mind is for meditation and deep thought while my heart beats for heavy-metal I walk in the Daylight but I’m a Creature of the Night My hand is outstretched will you reach towards me Gaze into my eyes and you can peek into the depths of my soul Will you care to join me in this dance?
The blood in my heart yearns for touch I dance just for the chance of sharing a moment To remember for 5mins my potential To whip away the monster in the mirror Like a fish out of water a lay on the floor gasping for air Holding my chest The wound from some mystical punch that landed years ago Tears run down my cheek as I look around only to see me I do my best to honor myself To hold space for the tenderness that lays beneath the surface The grief is magnified as I am the only to witness my process I have peered so long into a dirty mirror I have forgotten of the castles below the waters edge Aloneness shortened my vision Like Dracula alone in his castle Years pass and all that is left are dust and ruble Will you take my hand Will you swim below the surface with me Will you help me not fade into nothingness Will you dare to venture into my Lair Can you help save this Prince of Darkness?
The beast hungers His eyes glaring red from thirst Desire swelling Heart pumping Longing for that which never was A soft gentle touch The sweet taste of flesh The emptiness inside driving me mad Starvation The dark pleading with the light Unfulfilled dreams and desires Traveling farther into darkness Deeper into isolation Falling into abyss Witnessing the glances of the people walking by Shunning me or not looking at all Crouched in a corner Growling Not letting in Not opening up Like a dog beaten with neglect Waiting for some universal Bone
The cold sets in Rose petals fall one by one like all the what if’s Cascading streams of shriveled up death where there was once a River of Hope A pile of rubble where there was once a Temple Atlantis is long gone All that is left is the hole at the bottom of the ocean where it once thrived Like a lone surviver sitting on the shore of planet earth Turmoil mixed with sadness and wonder as he peers across the galaxy To behold such beauty and vastness Is grayed from the amputation of hope from the heart
Passion stolen innocent excitement crushed patterns recycling over and over like an axe on a pendulum that cuts the same wound time and time again Standing up to be knocked down Prizes shown to be snatch as the pendulum swings back Repeating over and over Feeling smaller & smaller Withdrawing from the excitement to protect from the cut What is a life with out excitement What is existence with out hope Curing up to protect from the beating Questioning with no answers Pleading with response The tracks are laid The pattern repeats Looking for a way out I crack open the basement door as a last resort A wave of heat pounces thru the opening Red light dances on the walls hinting at the flames below Stomach feels uneasy Sensing the energies down below I have no choice but to climb down into the belly of the beast Or turn around and face the guillotine
The moon casts a hazy glow on the mysterious of the night Illuminating the beauty in the shadows Unlocking the secrets of the dark The yearning in my heart never ceases The goodness in my soul mixes with the dirt Mirror mirror on the wall, all I see is the Beasts eyes glaring back at me The moon light creating a faint shadow outline while blood red orbs glow from within Fangs hungry and lusting for flesh While the heart aches for a tender touch A soft loving caress to sooth the animalistic nature Prince charming hides his mirror Hoping clouds will block the moons truth That the Demon is awake and looking to feed
My soul longs to be inspired. Energy coursing thru My veins like some super raceways. Thru my art & my words I express deep emotion I reach out to connect There are parts of my essence still yet to uncovered, explored, expressed I want to reach you Touch your face Hold your hand Kiss your lips This Lone Wolf howling at the moon Asking for guidance Calling for companionship Pleading for forgiveness & crying out my woes Singing the story of my life The depth of who I am Dancing along on the currents My story Rides the winds currents Like a message in a bottle seeking out distant lands Hoping to find the shores of a few minds
intimacy is my drug communication like a bong for me to inhale breathing in your essence exploring the depths of what makes us who we are not the surface us the us behind closed doors the parts we see in the dirty mirror I love hearing about all the different aspects but something so real so deep when lifting the vail to those pained parts How beautiful is the process to awareness to understanding Give me your trials Your fears Give me your triumphs, your conquests Pour your tears into my cup and let me drink Let me lie on your bed of broken glass The shattered pieces of your heart piercing my skin Tell me the uncensored story of your soul
Fire Burning thru out. Raging thru Iron Walls Creative Ideas igniting the Lake of gas buried in my heart Flames coursing thru my veins Rising Higher & Higher Tornadoes spinning out of my pours This Unquenchable Thirst for Uniqueness An urging desire to manifest and create Fire consuming my Spirit My Soul Still off in the distance My Ghost of Despair My Hopelessness My Fear Manifested in a shapeless body I Focus the Energy and Breath FIRE! Catching Glimpses of Immense Possibilities Like peering thru the Cosmos The Pain of Christmas Past lurking in Grasping me in my cold history Stealing all the gifts on Dec 25th Leaving the child alone in a block of ICE Cutting out my heart ready to feed it to some Demonic God at an Aztec Sacrifice I try to focus on my Fire like a wizard casting a spell A Hundred Hands from a Thousand un-manifest dreams grabbing at my ankles I was Poisoned! Still HERE I STAND FLAMES BLAZING BRIGHT BURNING OFF THE POISEN THE HEAT! THE AIR! I RAISE MY BODY OFF THE FLOOR OF CLUTCHING, GRAPPING, CLAWING HANDS As I raise the doubt lingering in my heart feels like Razor Blades in my Blood My old Body burns away in a Explosion of Fire while I raise the HEAT Air & Fire Mix My Soul Supplying kindling Creativity igniting this whirlpool of Liquid Flame REBIRTHING ARIES ANSWERS THE CALL THE GOD OF METAL AND WAR WILL WAIT NO MORE!!!!!
Fighting a ghost with no name Punching an enemy with no body Listening to voices spoken from no mouth Bound by chains with no metal Hidden in plain sight Seeking an answer from a book with no words
Armed with my camera and my words. I say hello I touch you I reach out I open up I capture the humor I cultivate beauty I raise the war hammer and cry out I roll over and expose my softness I cry, helping you to see that your own tears are ok I stop time so that you may witness what I saw in you later I help create stories to be told and re told for years to come I entertain myself and make myself laugh I watch you with the eye of a sniper I stalk you like the King of the Jungle I wait for those moments To tell your story To tell my story To say hello
I caught a glimpse of something beautiful Something Amazing Your gaze lured me in unexceptionally Our essences communicated like Lighting & Thunder in the nights sky Dynamic, Powerful and Mysteriously Sweaty and hot, lungs rise and fall Without thought our breathing syncs Your attention reminds me I had been living in B&W for a while I had forgotten of the brilliance of the universe around me That moment had saddened me Eating prison food I got by I had eaten it for so long I forgot what a warm meal tasted like After the storm settled we spoke quietly but the water As the waves softy caressed the shore I began to see a glimpse Like looking thru a high powered telescope to peek at the beauty of our galaxy I saw passion in my life had only been dialed up to 30% We spoke Honestly & Intimately My interest rose, my passions Spiraled up a long lost pathway WE KISSED Unlocking gates and cages around softer parts of my soul The cage around my heart is lowered as it expands A quiet storm building between us, more like a generating winding up then a disruptive force Energy building and feeding my expanding heart A Ghost is released Not a evil, malicious ghost Rather the keeper of the gates The protector of that which is soft and vulnerable I can sense his fear Gazing down a long corridor I see the potentional for the beauty and intimacy to expand higher Surfing on some mystical wave of the wind like some regal hawk The ghost whispers in my ear to look down The fear and doubt very much present Will the wind sustain me Can I survive the fall Could I learn to fly again
Tender is the Night When I look to the horizon and the picture is not what I painted The clouds have rolled in and the rain has not stopped I have a paint brush I have energy But I have no blue paint for my sky I paint and I paint and I paint and still no blue sky What do you tell the artist Nothing I have done or is able to do can seem to make it right In my anger and frustration i paint and create darkness In my loneliness and despair I create to keep me company Distracting myself Moment after moment Day after day Week after week One day I will have to come to terms with it That I have no BLUE paint for my Sky
I live for those moments between beats. Chance meetings when guards are dropped. My heart aches for more of these moments everyday. Longing to hear the depth. Desiring to hear something real. Yea I know we are all trying so hard to be spiritual and positive and all. But shit still smells no matter what you do with it. Sharing in what hurts, sharing in what doesn’t feel right, sharing in the truth of the pain. Now that is beautiful. That is real. That is pure. What are your desires? What are your fears? What are your dreams? What are those things locked behind closed doors? I must admit I used to share of myself more that way, and have not much over the last few years. I got tired of speaking and no one was listening. You heard my words but you were not listening. So I too am guilty of it. I would rather be silent then have someone pretend or just not be able to go there with me. But those moments when there is no pretense, no walls, no sugar coating and you have just plain truth. Not some kinda spiritual truth, but your truth from your heart. That is wonderful, that is uplifting, that is beauty. I live for those moments in between the beats.
The wind howls in the stillness of the cold, dark, night. Its screaming quietly. Ghosts of the past speaking on the trails of the wind. Haunting with thoughts of things that could have been. Reminding us of old sorrows and old ways of being. Reminiscing of things long gone while Cold Death flows around us. Is it that Death is trying to teach us in some way. Or just have his fun with the bitter sweet of longing. My heart goes out to those who once had and have no more. I hear your cries and feel your pain as the wind tells me your stories. My doors are open. There is a Temple here for you to shed your tears. A loving embrace with out judgment so you my release your anguish. Tell your tale to the wind so others may know the depth of your soul. With sorrow,love and depth Jack
I am not enough to get up in the morning. I is not enough to give me comfort at night. I over a period of time can make you crazy. I have wished & I have dreamed. I am barely standing. 10 years ago I was enough. 15 years I fought. Now I just throw punches in an empty cell. I have been I for so long I hear all the other Me voices loudly. I can not see. 20 years ago I was my companion. I is no longer inspiring. I no longer makes sense. I has become corrupt & poisoned. I is crumbling. Nothing left but I. I exist No Longer.
Every night I cry Thinking of the Man I could have been Playing out the what ifs in my head Every night the vastness of my imagination clashes with some old limited believe The endless reaches of the creative mind The long road taken to get to this point Only reaching 10% of my potential The endless summer nights spend as a child and young adult Listening at the window to the world outside Wondering and Yearning FEAR Scared if I will over come Or if this bleek lacking social life is all there is for me. Only here to create and inspire All the while feeling like a large hollow tree Appearing larger then I really am Tricking myself each day with my passion for my art More then ½ my time spent struggling thru my fear Breathing it in Being Born of Warrior Spirit I seek to over come Time has shown that integrating and allowing are equally important steps
My past is haunting me Slapping me in the face It plays unfair and goes right for the weak spot Like branding a new born baby with a red hot cattle prod Over the years the scar never truly healing This poison runs deep Like an aliment that goes in and out of remission Coming back to remind me of the original injustice Over the years with much awareness, meditation, focus and practice the scar is not as bad as it once was But still that slap in the face is hitting in the right spot Knocking the wind right out of me Taking some of my life force energy with it Everyday of the past few days I am reminded With the tears of the past and the pain of the hurt rolling down my face Picking up the broken parts of my smashed wooden ship I try to piece myself back together So I can once again row gently down the stream
I have always been the type of person to look hard into my actions. If I fuck up, I never brushed it off lightly…. But ponder how did those actions come to be. Seek out my part in any “wrong” doing so I might keep from making the same mistakes again. I have changed my thought process drastically over the last 2 years. Thru a serious of events in my life forced me to study what was manifesting itself in my life. There were too many things to be coincident so I explored their roots, and changed my thoughts because of it. Taking full responsibility for everything showing up in my life ( I always took responsibly but this was much more and and much deeper levels). I started to realize how much attention I gave to negative thought patterns and fear and such. (This aint one of those think happiness and everything will be hunky-dory). We do live in emotional bodies and there needs to be a place for that as well. With that said… I did set out to change my thought patterns and continuously re-focus my attention on things that give me “JUICE”. Usually my artwork, but I am currently seeking out other areas that also get my blood pumping. Its all a process as we find out what we like and what we don’t like and continue to move ourselves to that which we enjoy. I wrote this as I am watching myself focus on the “failure” in “friendships” and possibly focusing too much as to let it pull me down some… But it is a process and I am re-centering myself and re-focusing myself, so to pick up and search forth. There are so many interesting, diverse and juicy things for us to see and explore. Allow for your / mine / our growth and keep moving towards those desires and notice every time your fear comes up and looks to stop you. HAPPY HUNTING
What do you see when you look at me? Rock Star Funky Creative type Mysterious & Dark Must have tons of friends and lovers Scary Creepy Inviting Open What do you see as you pass on by? Think I am some kinda sexual Stud? Think I am strange? Nice to look at but no brains? Think I am stuck on myself? As you pass by not stopping to say hello what do you think? That I am out of my mind? Ever consider that I could be Lonely? That I struggle to connect. That I can be withdrawn sometimes? That I can be very friendly? That I am very deep and caring? Probably not! You saw what you wanted to see and kept walking
I have dreamt for so long I have forgotten I so wish to Love & be Loved To lay my weary body down to rest To feel contentment, joy and fulfilled from connecting, touch, love and a long history of deep connection Instead I have gone to sleep for years afraid Is this it? Am I all I have? Will I die this way? I have hoped and dreamed my whole life Its been going on now for so long It’s hard to imagine the fulfillment of them I look around and see a lot of richness Sorta like a Brilliant Madman Just not so brilliant and only a little Mad But none the less mostly stranded on an Island With an occasional Cardinal, Blue Jay or Crow for company
My heart aches No one has hurt me At least not in the immediate past It’s the expansion Looking down the well of my love and seeing no bottom is terrifying Being not met for so long Not being seen for so long Being a part of unbalanced connections for so long I got used to swimming in the shallows I have yet to explore the depth of my Loving Energy My Heart Cracks open a little more The muscles tearing themselves making room for growth I have explored my grief, my rage, my sorry, my frustration, my anger I have cut the psychic cords to my parents Learned all about the undertones of communication I have traveled down into the Depths of the Deep Dark Going so far down I almost lost myself But I came back a MAN! I have done all of this mostly alone I say all this because As I stand here gazing at you There is SO MUCH MORE then meets the eye here I am not here to fucking talk about the weather I am here to see who can meet me! Who can see me! Who wants to be a part of what I have! Who can hold space for me! I know I have that much Plus a whole lot more to offer in return As I stretch and push and pull and struggle my way into embodying this demand It scares the be-Jesus out of me Years and Years of giving my time and attention to the wrong people Was like being malnourished without food or water in the middle of the desert days away from civilization Like a Lion just being released into the wild after years of being caged Working towards embodying my ROAR MY DEPTH Like a newly Crowed King of my own Domain I am uneasy with the position and power Step by Step I make my way It’s a process I am mindful I am watching Who Will Meet ME? This is the end of Part I To be continued…….
My mind wrestling with itself The ghost of the old me still trying to wrap the chains of restriction around the ever growing self I sense the expanding But the old self is hanging in there and not letting go Holding on to the old limited beliefs My Spirit struggles to emerge from the cocoon of the last 30 plus years DOUBT, BELITTLING, JUDGMENT All still present but long longer in control Yet they block the flow of my source energy The battle rages on between the old and the ever expanding new The clash between the knowledge of what I have known vs infinite possibilities The Old Bound self vs the every changing ever evolving self Boundless and Beautiful Creative, Imaginative, Fearless Hitting against those restrictive chains Making me Nuts Keeping me awake
LOVE! Being Isolated Alone Closed As painful as those may be They are dwarfed in comparison To being open and fully Loving Loving so deeply where the walls no longer exist Loving so your wounds are in plain site A Fire Burning Through Out A Transparency A Rawness There is a vulnerability with such a feeling No place left to hide the hurt The fire of Love burning and stripping away Leaving the naked self behind Can you find the strength to stand and not close off? Can you find the courage to not cover up?
I awake and see my true essence My hearts desire I awake right before I fall asleep for the night only to rise in the morning, forgotten was that moment Pushed away by the DAYS harried state Lost to life’s living tasks Survival deeds and daydreamed thoughts of pleasure Forgotten is the GREATNESS TO BE Sold to another day of JUST GETTING BY Passing time to remember Holding on another day Another day of mediocrity Waiting for that moment To catch a glimpse again of my greatness To remember the richness The beauty of unbound imagination! The adventure & soul of the human spirit To be inspired and awaked by Art I wait for that moment When eyelids are heavy and tears are running down my cheek I wait for that moment after the sun as set as my head lays down I wait for that moment when I remember who I am Only to fall fast asleep and forget
Dying a little bit more each night Soon all that will be left is an empty shell and a good idea Nowhere left to turn to Like a poker player with one card short of a ROYAL FLUSH Malnourished from years of holding on Waiting and waiting, working the cards to see when it will turn up But the time has come! To lay the cards on the table I am one card short of a good idea Naked and in a weakened state I lie on the table Squirming in agony like Gollum without his precious Waiting for the Grim Reaper to come and claim his prize For his BLADE to pierce my chest To quite this soul To put to rest this tortured spirit To take away those long, lonely, tormented sleepless nights!
I try to show a smile Hiding the wickedness within I don’t go up to you as you walk by I struggle to keep the demon back Its energy rises and rises Attempting to be nice and pleasant While the darkness veils my eyes Only to see sexuality in everything Every motion Every gesture Every curve Holding back… The wooden gates with iron bars giving way Trying to contain the impending explosion The smile gets more and more strained Boards start to snap Hinges start to pop Trying to let no one see The sexual devil lurking inside The gates are blown apart The energy is unleashed It rips apart my insides Desperately trying to maintain The explosion implodes And the Body, Mind and Spirit collapse
I had a great time dancing But was it good enough I connected with people on the dance floor Spinning, twisting, laughing, dancing Is it good enough? NO!!! I think about how I didn’t talk to one person Who’s danced I loved I had a great experience dancing sensually with a woman Touching, sliding, caressing, engaging Was that good enough? NO!!!!!! I wanted more I had a great time dancing, Loved it. So HOT…. Sexy bodies in motion Exploring the deeper parts of ourselves I keep picturing having a fuck fest with this group A sea of moving sweaty bodies Touching, sucking & fucking Exploring our god granted gifts Its one of the few times I am granted solace from this poisoned mind Moving my body on the dance floor Spinning and jumping Feeling my heart pound in my chest Blood course thru my veins Feeling the air fueling the fire Watching the beast rip its way out of my chest No longer giving a shit It kicks the light side of my personality aside to the floor Screaming silently while my moments get More dramatic More energized more fierce Muscles burn with desire Fuck you!! I wont do what you tell me! Sounds great, doesn’t it…. Was it good enough?? NO!!! I still found fault in my actions Should have, could have Always striving for some kinda perfection Tortured by a sick mind No rest Waiting to sigh and let go Where is my place?? No one seems to fit me?? Seems like there is always a gapping hole someplace Always looking for more Always trying to make better Something must be broke inside this head of mine Maybe I should try the wire hanger lobotomy Its actually feels great to have spit all the out
Alone in my mind The City of Angels drawing me into its darkness of pleasure Feeling the under current Hearing the lost souls rumaging thru the trash at 2am Where did they come from Drawn to the promise of angel wings out stretched Unaware of the dark mist slowly pulling it away Deeper and darker down Leaving thousands unable to recall their dreams The reasons why the came in the first place The forgotten Promise Not realizing This Angels Love is elusive Cold in its warmth Wings cutting in its embrace Destroying the aware mind
I am the Warrior I am the Killer When the light gets too painful When it hurts to be open The shadow arises from the ashes The Tears that fall Sink into the earth Calling it forth Like some Demonic worshipper Summoning Lucifer The Anguish and Pain of Light The open being collapses to the ground Beaten & Broken From being too open too loving Weeping on the floor Teardrops falling I hear the cry I feel the pain The torment breaks me up It tortures me to see one in such a state I answer the unspoken call I rise from the ashes I Protect I am the Guardian I am the Killer with a Heart
I long to listen to a woman’s tender, sweet voice To hear it whispering to my soul I long to see a woman’s eyes meet mine To witness desire in them I cry out to be touched To feel the gentle caress of a woman’s hand I yearn to taste a woman’s flesh To explore the pleasure of her hidden treasures I can not give myself these things I hate that I want them Wanting only leaves me in a hole of with out What can I do Some gifts in Life you can not give to yourself
It was just a Dance But somehow I’ve changed It was just a HUG But it was so tender, so caring Something opened up inside me Feels like there is a part of me that stayed there that night and didn’t come home with me Something Missing Yet another piece that I took home That wasn’t mine or I had not seen in a very long time It was just a Dance But was it? It was just a dance But it allowed for guards to be dropped It allowed openness to transpire It allowed for 2 people who generally care about each other To show it with out thought It set a stage for fun, laughter, interaction, flirting and communing Driving home with an overwhelming sense of well being It will be months from now that I’ll come to realize It was not just a DANCE…….
At the end of the day There is nothing No arm to lend a hand No friend to offer support No voice to bring words of comfort JUST A HOLLOW BOX FILLED WITH EMPTY DREAMS Void of contact A quite BITTER RAGE sets in LONILNESS, SORROW & DESPAIR No God in heaven can chase away the DEAMONS of a TORMENTED mind An the end of the day There is nothing I look at myself in the mirror and see thru me Witnessing the DESTITUTE
The Poisoned mind starts to infect the body and soul Distorting truth from fiction Alone the sickness sets in Digging its trenches deep The solitude making the voices louder and louder Belittling, Criticizing, badgering, Judging, Self Doubt, Comparing, Jealousy and Envy Worms eating away at the heart and soul The toxic venom saturating Like an imploding star Becoming less and less recognizable Gazing at the mirror only to see a hideous creature starring back All resemblance of what was Lost in the mirror Seeing only what the voices tell me Accepting the grotesque picture being painted Ashamed at what I have become Shunned into darkness……
My soul travels down into the DEEP DARK Searching When will my spirit yell out Stop! The journey is one that must be taken No man can stand whole without making part of the DARKNESS his own Some go down into the deep never to return Murderers, Rapists and Thieves Others become lost in there own mind Having gone too far and seen too much I have drawn some lines To the left and to the right Yet still I travel DOWN Deeper into the DARK Searching Becoming more and more part of it Lurking Wickedness spilling in Standing Alone I venture to see what lies beyond
A long drive to meet someone Dear Sarcasm and laughter Hugs & Kisses Energies connect Reacquainting each other Exploring the strangeness of the basement Glaring eyes and unhappy faces Yet its ok cuz our connection to each other is present Music picks up the pace Bodies move and loosen up the spirits Connected yet apart Back upstairs, the mood is lighter People are laughing and mingling Butter Nipples enhance an already cheerful mood The dance begins Spirits intertwine while the bodies move Apart Then slowly coming together Touching Like 2 snakes woven in a dance Hair is mangled like 2 lions after a hunt More good hearted laughter Music begins its feverish tempo Grabbing, dipping, spinning, pushing, pulling The stalking commences Meeting like to hunters Growling as they enter inside each other spaces All the while grinning at the shear pleasure of it all Challenges get voiced Yelling and boosting begin Chaos erupts into laughter Salty sweat flies As the pace yet quickens again To climax in a sweaty ball of entangled energy The night winds down and bodies cool off There is a brief moment of unguarded openness A gentle sweetness And a most endearing hug
Haunted by the hollowness of being lonely Driven Mad by a world with no Sense A world where Priests Rape Preaches sell God like used car sales people Yet I have heard “MESSAGES” delivered by a drunk Been Taught Honor and Wisdom from a liar and thief Consumed by Desires and Fear Spinning out of control As the car hits 150mph With bends and turns unattainable at such a speed A meteor accelerating through space Entering an asteroid belt It’s Size and Mass substantial enough to survive But not without heavy losses As it bounces and ricochets off asteroids Spinning out of control It’s original course permanently altered Stone against stone Smashing Changing rotation Changing direction Pieces are blasted away from impact I have no God Other then Life and Art No prayer other then CREATION and LIVING In times of trouble and darkness I turn to art and creation for my salvation With each line that is written With each piece of wood cut away Each photograph taken Prayers of desperation Tears of mourning Screams of AGONY For a poor lost soul Asking for Forgiveness Pleading for Attention Begging for Connection
Cuffing and chaining the beast Leather straps Arms, Legs, Wrists, Ankles, Chest, Throat, Head Bound and gagged As the power tries to unleash ITSELF Walking along peacefully Till my nose picks up the scent of a WOMEN or seeing a pretty face or sexy figure Then some chemical shift transpires Like Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, or man to Werewolf One sniff or one glimpse and the eyes roll back in my head Taking in a deep breath and some ancient primal power is awakened RIPPING AND GRAWING at restraints set in place keeping the beast at bay Desire clashes against believes Need clashes against will Passion clashes against fear Pushing and pulling Chains taunt, leather stretching will and spirit snapping Like a Vampire closing in on his prey His senses feeling the excited heart rate Driving him almost mad till he quenches his thirst with her young sweet blood
Love hurts like no punch can deliver Love cuts like no knife or sword can cut Love injures like 2 trains colliding Love is an inescapable can of flesh eating worms It’s only a matter of time, before darkness sets in Love is the juicy red apple Drawing you in Infecting you Pulling you deeper and deeper Loves poison is that the farther you go in The more intense the pain Love will always leave in the end In the end Death will always claim his prize
Uncertain of my hearts ability to coupe with loss of connection. Trying to remain Strong or is it hiding. The agonizing pain of loss! If no one matters the loss of connection is not so bad and life goes on. When rivers run deep, and there is a sever The floods are so overwhelming they are debilitating. At night I try to be strong I just say, “Go to sleep, to fight another day. Every night I die alittle bit more each night As the loneliness Monster claims his prize
Home sick for a place I have never been before Some kinda feeling like there should be a place A place that I have never felt I wish I could click my heels together and say There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home I wouldn’t know what to imagine while I did it How lost one must fell if a genie appeared before me Willing to grant me 3 wishes! I wouldn’t know what to say I want to go home….. A home I have never seen A home I have never experienced Lost in a foreign land No energy, no presence Looking for a dark ally A hole to crawl into A place to die….
What is life if you have no friends Nobody ever stops by to say hello To see how you are doing or what you have been up to What kinda world is it when your phone never rings??? EMPTYNESS, LONELYNESS Days, weeks, months, years pass with little to no meaning Time speeds by all the while life is like a grey overcast day that never lifts The kinda life that the warmth of the sun never touches The kinda life that is cursed with everyday medoracty Endless screams of agony, pain and aloness
The day is grey Rain is falling like tears rolling down my cheek CRYING The loss of unfulfilled dreams and desires LONELYNESS Lying on the couch No one to caress my hair No one to help me bandage my wounds No one’s lips to touch my lips No one to call, to play and create with EMPTYNESS My soul aches to be inspired My soul longs for companionship Looking outside my window Watching my dreams and desires falling from the sky Cars pass by driving over them People walk by stepping on them Crying, alone in my room Looking out the window Hoping and dreaming That somewhere in the earth There are flowers that will GROW…..
Is a kiss just a kiss?? I thought so I was trying to dance towards her she kept dancing away Don’t know why she finally said yes Maybe it was my gentle open way about me Maybe it was my persistence or maybe just something in the air We danced! Moving closer, moving away Lightly brushing against each other Thinking to myself, this is not going to happen Looks like we will just say good night….. But then a slight sift in body position Maybe a moment of openness?? hhhmmmm……… No pulling back, no pushing away I rub my head against hers like a lion looking for affection I gaze at her for a moment Then ever so slightly moving closer Brushing my cheek against her cheek Running my fingers thru her hair Our lips barely touching Tongues gently tasting All the oxygen in my body escaped me I don’t remember exactly what happened I think time had stopped Hours passed without notice ENTRANCED!!! All I saw were her eyes, her lips All I felt was her touch, her KISS I could have been anywhere in the world and nowhere….. Everything beyond us was out of focus, or didn’t exist All I cared for was THAT MOMENT All I wanted WAS THAT KISS!!!!!!!!
A chance electronic meeting and the courage to explore the connection A week of magic Shared pleasures, open honest caring and caressing Then distance Weeks and months The bugs and worms of insecurity eating away at me Trying to ware me down What the hell happened in that week? How is it that after that magical week my life seemed lacking and empty My apartment looked different Shadows lengthen Darkness encircles my body PAIN! Bare knuckled fists Hitting and hitting Beating the body Violently changing my existence Immobilized in a cocoon of pain and torment Anguish and fear Unaware of the rebuilding transpiring as I died every night Screaming in agony as the heart is ripped and torn apart Only to be opened up and expanded and filled with love and longing Arising from the ashes a FLAMING PHOENIX Being reborn with HEART MAGIC Body, mind and spirit stronger from enduring Seeing the power of love I seek to spread it, pulling those close to me closer Sharing and caring in ways never thought possible for me
Unaware of the cold gray haze I live in till a warm breeze sought me out Grabbing my attention and inquiring about me enjoying the interaction I follow the breeze talking and getting acquainted along the way Anxiousness and nervousness as I draw nearer The waiting seems like eternity Then a glance, a smile having no idea the depth of the things to come Warm pleasant sharing light fun filled days dark mystical passionate nights All the while unaware of some deeper energetic connection like two oak trees roots touching and joining intermingling with each other Gazing around to see the sun setting by an open field feeling vulnerable to the change in scenario and the loss of the gray haze which comforted me
Kneeling at your altar I rip and gnaw at my flesh Bleeding out my sins, confessions and confusion Digging and tearing As I quest to find more of me I lay bloodletting my soul While my skin and limbs are scattered about What is fabrication? What is true? I can’t even tell if I’m lying to myself
The Darkness of my soul leaks out of my self-inflicted vault Vapors seeping into my pores infecting me with its ugliness I turn, and gaze into the mirror PAINFUL AS IT IS to look deep into my vileness Shattering visions of my nobility I gaze upon the dirt on my soul
The blackness in my heart decays my spirit Suffocating from numbness There is nothing worse than dying from mundane everydayness The boredom is killing me I’d rather put a bullet in my head then continue to be murdered by dullness Choking on unfulfilled dreams that rot out my insides Death is inevitable Yours, Mine… We’ll all die Maybe I’ll be your murder Maybe I won’t live that long Maybe God will come down from heaven and save us the pain and suffering Or maybe one day we will just wake to find out that all our work was for not and there is nothing nobel about life Sitting on your porch shortly after retirement only to watch your life fade to black Zap… Gone, no more! Sorry chap, games over OH, it seems like you had a pretty shitty round BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME ASSHOLE! That’s what tombstones should read for people who believe in reincarnation; Here lies so and so Not much to say about him The Town Fuck Up “BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME” P.S. God loves you anyway Yea! I’m sure that would give my spirit rest to know that God still loved me even though my life was shit! YEA! RIGHT! FUCK OFF!
Pray for what And to whom Men lie People cheat Caretakers abandon I know no God I only know one truth ART….. My art My emotions are true I know what I feel I know no God in heaven Only hell in my body on this earth And the pain and ache in my heart So I set forth to create my truth and pray my prayers in my art. For that is my church, my altar, my salvation.
Things happen at night Darkness comes Its vapor seeps into my pours SNUFFING OUT THE LIGHT! The wicked survivor is awakened The ANIMALISTIC KILLER MOUTH FOAMING, EYES BLARING RED, HAIR MANGLED, MUSCLES TENSE, HEART RACING MURDEROUSNESS courses thru out Don’t come knocking tonight…. Awaiting daybreak For the CRUCIFIXION.
Walking down this maze of life, I search for acceptance. The mother and father I never had. Slamming into walls in the darkness, huddled in a corner, scared, alone, tears roll down. My heart bursting open into the cold emptiness, Yearning for my parents love and acceptance. Body stiffening from lack, lack of love lack of touch lack of support. One by one. Muscles cramp and harden, Mummifying the body, Awaiting Death.
There’s a knock at the door. The universe in all its splendor, glory and darkness. From nowhere a question is asked. ARE YOU WORTH IT? I answer. Yes Then, blip, nothing. Just sunlight falling on the front lawn. Weeks, months pass and there it is again. That funny sounding knock. I open the door. The question is asked again. ARE YOU WORTH IT? YES I say, with more confection. The universe hangs for a second. IF there were eyes I would almost swear someone or something was checking me out. Then as fast as it showed up, it was gone. Days pass by. I feel anxious, nervous, Afraid. This time I can sense it, a couple more days. OH GOD, BLACKNESS! UNKNOWN! There it is. Body shaking. I know what is asked. I gather my strength, open the door and before any question is asked. I dive headfirst into the blackness of uncertainty. If ever there was a jester on my part of any faith its now. Falling into the universe, I expand instead of contracting. Falling or floating? I await. For the universe to answer my question. Will you catch me?
DON’T STOP ME! DON’T DENY My Life Long Fantasies! Let my vibrant imagination create and manifest, instead of sinking into the pit of my stomach with all my other disappointments. For a person who’s creativity is so vast. Whose spirit is so energized with fire. Who lusts to create. Its HORRIFING to have all this and constantly be RESTRSCTED. The DREAMS, and wondrous DESIRES Sink down one by one like an ungranted wish at a wishing well. My stomach fills up with millions of dollars worth of pennies from all my hopes and dreams denied to me. I’m so sick it’s hard to be me, being poisoned by my own furious creative nature. The ROT and DECAY spread thru out. STOP IT! NO MORE! I don’t want my fears to limit my limitless being. I don’t want The Universe, God or any being to limit my existence. PULLING THINGS AWAY, PUTTING OBSTICALES, PLACING RESTAINTES on my body or spirit to test me. WELL TEST ME NO MORE! I WANT IT! WITH ALL OF ME I WANT IT! God help anyone who tries to stop it. I’ll cut someone’s heart out with such a cold ruthlessness to make a Killer shiver. Even if Spirits are sent down from some Higher Power or Omni Potent Being. I’ll KILL myself just to cross over and TEAR thru and eniolate any being. Jesus, Moses, Allah, Buddha. I would send a ripple thru the spirit world. SATEN himself would feel fear, and convert to christianity , dedicating himself to fighting the DARKNESS.
I leave the sanctuary of my room, walking down the long winding stairway. I enter into a noisy silence that disturbs my being. The T.V. is on and noise fills the air, but it is in that wordless state that I am haunted and tormented. I make my way across the living room floor. Carefully balancing myself like a high wire act with no net. My body racks and convulses. Desperately yearning to hear those words never spoken…… That he loves me.
Trapped in a prison of my memory. Fighting out of a concrete cage that doesn’t exist. Yet every time I get close, I can feel my face press up against it. It’s as solid as the ground you walk on, with no shape. It’s as small as a dust peck, with walls like a vault. Looking for an exit for a place that no longer is.
Darkness comes again. What channel do I have for the monsters of the night? Fellow night creatures to play with. NOT! Sexual relationships to pour my erotic passion into. NOT! The stores are all closed. Doors are locked! Windows and gates are shut! The streets are silent and barren. Its time for the PRINCE OF DARKNESS!
I USED TO FEAR WHEN MY DARK ENERGY WOULD RISE IN MY BODY. I WAS AFRAID OF THE DEMONS MIGHT. I WOULD FIGHT IT AND TRY TO KILL IT, NOT WANTING TO ADMIT TO MY DARKNESS. THEN I CHANGED. I WOULD OPEN MY ARMS, TRYING TO INTEGRATE IT. NOW I’M STANDING TALL, FULLY ENERGIZED. HE NOW RUNS FROM ME! I HAVE BEATEN HIM, NOT DESTROYING HIM. I’VE JUST BEAT HIM INTO SUBMISSION. I NOW RULE MY DARKNESS. THE MASTER OF THE DARK DOES MY BIDDING NOW.
A CLIMAX IN A LOVERS EMBRACE, HEAVY BREATHING, AND THEN, SILENCE. HERE I AM, ALONE WHILE MY LOVER SLEEPS. THE HAUNTING HOWLING WIND KEEPING ME COMPANY. FOR YEARS I DREAMT ABOUT CONNECTING SEXUALLY. I THOUGHT THE LONELINESS WAS ALL THE ISOLATION, BUT HERE IT IS. WIND BLOWING IT IN MY BONES. SEEPING IN MY BODY, IN THE MIST OF A LOVERS EMBRACE.